TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely away from location. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let's have Yet another location wherever American men can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: give everyone a set over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he really should halt applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the project, replied, "You realize, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from Place, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after obtaining the setting up's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It is really not only unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Options


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "where by's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is by now attracting attention from Intercontinental buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have convert-down service."


A different submit from Trump Tower Damascus @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Closing Feelings within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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